I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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