Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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