my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Just invented taco cereal.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
don't judge my taste in strippers
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
