In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
