I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
