I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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