did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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