is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
