We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
