So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Randomize
