I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize