I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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