pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
