I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I just found puke in my bra..
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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