I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
