All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I know her cup size but not her name....
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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