I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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