I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
