It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
