The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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