I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize