My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
