my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
