2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
