How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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