she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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