I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
