my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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