Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
