Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
