Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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