nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
