I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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