From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I fill condoms, not promises.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
