I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
