So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize