Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Randomize
