I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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