So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Randomize
