were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Well I just put wine in my tea
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
His nipple licking is glorious
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