I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
