Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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