I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
