Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
