She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
My penis needs a shock collar
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