remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Life is so much better after having sex.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
