So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
