I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
