Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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