Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
