I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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