then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Two words: blizzard sex
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
