I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize