I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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