btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
God, I missed his penis.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
