Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
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